A fresh start

Well, let's start again. Again, for the, I really don't know how many times I wrote that, seriously and I'm sorry for that, for both of us. I am smiling right now because I don´t want to break my compromisse with you and specially myself.

I wasn't 100% me and still not fully me, but life goes on and I feel stuck, with all synonyms for that word. I was lost about what to do for me, my life, my job, the whole thing about me being me.

I asked God for help and the only sure I had until now it´s that I must write. I´m still lost a little, confused, afraid and insecure, I mean I´m total insecure about being wrong about this project after long years thinking about and doing nothing to take it out from paper.

I feel like I'm running away from writing, it's so complicated trying to understand all of this. I'm not recognizing my emotions, that's when I have them.

I have so many thoughts, ideas, reflections, questions, all in the same space, in this case my head. As if in a room everyone was talking at the same time, no one could understand anyone and nothing was explained.

My head is not only full of so many things, it has been overflowing for a long time. Enough time to hit anyone who gets too close. I have hurt myself in the process.

It's been almost two years since I wrote continuously, about 3 years ago I wrote every day, more than once and new hate sprouted. After treatment for depression and anxiety, then weaning from medication. I soon started a college that I didn't like and finally Burnout.

Seriously, who doesn't go a little crazy with all this? It's like nothing is good, every word I say and the end of each sentence seems to be one line worse than the other.

There's something here and there, but nothing that I read and think, wow! this one was very good. I miss that feeling of power and at the same time I share that I was the one who wrote something so good.

At the same time that I want to do everything, I don't want to do anything. I know it's crazy, but that's what I've been feeling especially when it comes to starting to create again. A space that was so comfortable and cozy for me now feels hostile.

This is going to be long, I'll finish it tomorrow...

Beijim 💋